朋友來信，公開的。看了幾遍還是不想思考，所以放過來，迫自己覆。



情深者，即使獨行，仍是同行。
膚淺的靈魂，聽不見來自地獄的聲音。
------------------------------------------
演戲：慈悲演戲、真誠演戲
地獄：欲真正感受天堂，最好對地獄有所瞭解。
------------------------------------------


K,


本想私人書信，但認為make it public更好——這是我對「支持」一詞的理解。既然是給你的信，我便儘量隨心所欲地寫，少作修改。趁年輕、包袱少的時候寫。我將不避老土（雖希望不太老土），因為狂避老土是很老土的。


This letter may be annoying—annoying in some good sense I believe.


幼稚園高班時，聽過一個故事，叫「沒有顏色的蝴蝶」。那是錄音帶。故事以倒敘法，說一隻蝴蝶，沒有顏色，小孩看了覺得稀奇。它沒有顏色，因它看見別的小孩畫畫時沒顏料，便把自己身上的某顏色給了他；看見某人的——什麼也好——沒顏色，便把自己身上的某顏色給了它……直至透明。我想起Peter Singer對全球貧窮問題的討論。無論如何，那涵義是可堪思念的。


你跟我說過的故事——四川的、阿根廷的，都很有趣。你的能量釋放了——至少大半吧。F卻憋了差不多二十年才放出來。你應比他幸運得多。


幸運？獨行。獨行？其實沒有幾個人是真正獨行的。邪惡的人不獨行，善良的人不獨行，渾渾噩噩的人更不獨行。「情深者，即使獨行，仍是同行」，李天命說的。我懶翻查自己有沒有引錯（但我肯定所引的至少九成準確），因不想在Facebook上做學者。數年前你對李有點批評，我不抗拒，但那無損我斷定他將是今後極長時間內其中一個最重要的思想家。


音樂。無論一個人懂不懂音樂，他inside都有樂章。你選擇了聆聽和正面看待自己的樂章。替你開心。數數天下間多少人跌跌碰碰、攀攀爬爬、恭恭維維、朝夕戚戚、怨怨妒妒、強裝快樂，或心如死水；到頭來，當了縮頭貴人、空殼公司、樂天鴕鳥、膚淺玩家，甚或半人半鬼的紅衛兵；最後，沒日子了，細看一生，悲從中來，或者別人想替他悲從中來。未知死，焉知生。


拔劍四顧心茫然，死時方看來時路。一場空，無所依，便墮深淵。
（快速橫死，例外。）


演戲。不少人的問題不全在自己所選的路，而是如何放下自己（放下大半）、明白局勢，懷著慈悲演好每段戲。雖說演戲，也不全是演戲。一流演員都是可愛的，他們不會不拿出自己最真實的一面（多面）去演；沒有一流演員是不坦誠地演的——除非他可以演的每部戲都與自己真實一面（多面）背道而馳，但對我們來說，這是不可能的：我們既不是饑民，也不是即將被送入毒氣室的猶太人，何況四海之內皆朋友——你是明白的。


地獄。不少邪惡的人要比善良的人聰明，可惜他們邪惡。如希望在現世感受天堂、為自己建立天堂，甚或為別人築起天堂，最好對地獄有所瞭解。有些人真的很單純（這是他們的福氣），也許他們不必瞭解。你呢？要感受地獄，至少要在思考和想像中不抗拒地獄。預先樹立圍牆的人，無法真正溝通；預先排斥地獄的人，無法感受地獄。欲真正感受天堂，最好對地獄有所瞭解。


聽說某君想死：
至剛者必柔，百毒不侵。


聽說有人走不下去：
一直走下去的真誠的人，不會真正寂寞。


甚念，
F

Kenix：

昨天阳光大好，我下午懒懒躺在沙发上晒着太阳睡去。醒来便见到你的回信。今天醒来却下起雨，冷的很。

你说的那个电影与我擦肩而过，之前想看来着。既然你介绍，以后找来看看。早上听说青海地震了，下午已经传遍，但这边没有感觉。若你听到消息别担心，一时半会还震不到这边来。

员外打算今晚庆祝我们生日，另一个是客人，昨天登记的时候发现那人跟我同日生的。一伙人准备吃火锅。我倒觉得是借生日的名义他们自己热闹，不过怎么都好，不至于冷清。中国有首古诗：但使主人能醉客，不知何处是他乡。主要意思是，若主人劝酒喝多了，就忘记这里不是故乡。

实际不管你去哪裡，都是一样的。我是这么觉得，就像我跑了这么远在西宁，感觉广州离我更近了，虽然我回不去。明天许巍在广州办演唱会，之前决定要去的，以为还有很多时间，转眼却到了。

今天还来了一位法国人，全身衣服破了，问他，他说途步了很久。眼神却有点呆滞，不及上次那个美国人有灵性。还有之前那位日本人走了，走的时候还是觉得不舍。我们用简单的英语，聊过生活和思考。很是可爱。

不说了，想念你。

N

-----------------------------------------

N,


又睡不着，起来打开电脑。看到你在msn留了言，突然想起一本书，我很喜欢的，觉得也适合你。那书名叫 "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"，直译该叫《禅与维修摩托车的艺术》，可是没见过中文版。我上不同讨论区找，找到个中译本叫《万里任禅游》，在当当有卖 。你在路上看，应该会喜欢。

难得热闹，碰上同日生的也不多，反正也不是每个生日都热闹得起来。我生日倾向冷清。 08 从加拿大回香港，生活不畅快，人不开心。想起有个朋友之前失恋，他老远跑去捐钱建学校。于是我搞了个生日会，不收礼物，凑够二千多捐头牛到四川去。过了二十多个生日，明白到能随心所欲过日子最好，不能的话就做点事，日子总会好起来。所以最近我又学用衣车造衣服了，兼做菜。今晚自己做了鱼腐。

许巍我几年前也多听，少听又忘了。反而老狼、崔健、陈升这些，隔一段日子又会拿出来。最近又听陈升的《风筝》。

法国人英文沟通得来吗? 全身衣服破的，我最喜欢。对了，上次那个美国人，听说他还在四川云南之间。已经在看成都秋冬有什么，看到一个二手市集，九月六号，可惜我赶不上。如果能跟你一起去，一定很高兴。

K

交了國內朋友，我學人寫簡體字。
書信以外的字，大抵上已寫不來；幾封信來來回回，正好紀錄了我說不出來的日子，搞掂。


K,

临近生日，收到你邮件很高兴。
西宁越来越凉快，凉的有点冷。下了几天雨，今天终于出了点太阳。最近闲散了下来，基本不用忙，我 晚上能看看电影。又从房间搬到沙发上去睡，蛮舒服。

六月会我只记得在黄河边吃了好多羊肉，还见了很多拍照的，当然我也拍了。

9月如果你在成都的话，路过会去看你。西凉驿最近难遇到能聊的人，但我常能骗到酒喝，我就会想你在的话就好了。这几日遇了一个日本人，是个西餐厨师，算有趣，虽然他连小津都不太知道，我在英语如此蹩脚的情况下，还是能交流，才知道Body Language的重要性。

在飞机上，你还是不忘勾搭人，值得我学习。我也要努力勾搭人。
另，上次跟你说的赫尔佐格的拍一个又聋又哑的人的片子已经找到。《沉默与黑暗的世界》还有豆瓣介绍 。

广州人民说广州很热，我总幸灾乐祸。香港人民这么说，我幸灾乐祸TOO。所以最近心情开朗，一扫阴霾，偶尔拿起毛笔练《金刚经》，一沉静可以一天。

MISS YOU。
N


--------------------------------------------------------

N,

见你活得那么爽，我又羡慕、又想念西凉驿的日子。

我决定每天去一个离岛，可是太热，醒过来都下午两点，一般也懒得动。没事干就happy hour，有时候一个人黄昏在家里喝，又觉得很无聊，啤酒也贵，不是办法。想起西凉驿那个没人碰的吉他，我便学吉他，学了刚好第三天，左手指头痛得很。我在练这部片的歌，07年在飞机上看到的，这片子本来是一个爱尔兰穷乐队的独立制作，后来莫明奇妙出了名，还得了奥斯卡。

最近没胃口，我就煮给朋友吃，连续煮了两天咕噜排骨，一天是煮真的，一天是煮假的，用素鸡。痛着手指煮菜感觉非常有趣，你来的时候请你吃。

我也不是谁都勾搭，哪里都难遇到能聊的人。想勾搭的，能勾搭的，都是际遇缘份。

香港不少人民很郁闷，闷得连他们自己也没发现；也有很多不好好生活，上班下班随便一天。你也大可幸灾乐祸一下。

一切要好，
K

給你，對，就係你：


2年前，在 Toronto 某咖啡店與來訪老師聚舊。我狂妄聲稱，下一步是危地馬拉的 Mayan 和 Hippies。老師那啖咖啡都來不及吞咽，脫口就問：「你界定自己在哪一個傳統？」隨即大談留學生歷史，從明朝開始。

一席話間，我最記得他說，「有時我們以為人生有很多選擇，不過當你認真仔細對待自己，便會發現，其實唔洗揀。三思。」洗唔洗揀，全看你夠不夠認真，如何認真。

認真這回事實屬窄路一條，容易攰，又孤獨。我怎能不想起關生感慨自己的學術生涯：他常常屈指一算，世上能夠又願意走他那條路的，除了他，還有幾多個。於是他放低那半杯清酒，又關上房門埋頭苦幹。

等等! 唔洗揀和無得揀，分別很大。你挑不挑，你如何挑，你挑個啥，你挑個誰，不要推說身不由己，天下間誰不是work within limits。楊你教我的，人一生在動物和超人兩端之間，踏著鋼索走。我篤信熱情和生存都需要龐大想像力。當環境俘虜了所有人的想像，你還如何想像屬於你的 alternative？有人說，人最大的罪是不將人當人看待。如果你看不到人，也沒有人當你是人，你還當自己是人嗎？

我不知道哪一種較難，在哪個脈絡下才算委屈自己，Hit 到哪條底線才的起心肝推倒重來，我沒有結論。本色的結構是性情與膽色。

楊大概會認為我任性，何會說我太幸福，我當然明白「當我們以為自己在世界裡面已經相當重要，世界才剛剛準備原諒我們的幼稚」，放心，我都想過了。我不奢望被了解，唯願大家體諒。他朝漸行漸遠到幾偏僻也好，我一定記得，那一年鄧說過：「我們都是尚未打磨的玉石」。同一晚，我發夢，大家被人通輯。

通緝我們的，從來都是我們自己。總之，我不要變成我細個討厭的大人。

甚念,
k

給s,


炎炎夏日，厭世或納悶的人一下子很多。

久未聯絡的好友，不是反覆尋死，便是非常爛滾;

有人宣告放棄一個夢，幾乎流下男兒淚，日本武士一般的他，認輸了第一個回合；

有人在別人的婚宴上，重遇已經無可能的舊愛，兼遇上已經不可能 (Not Available) 的新歡，最痛最興奮的剎那一瞬，迫著落荒而逃；

結婚在即的人跟我說，「天堂不是一個地方，是一個過程，只有努力」，只有試或唔試，一但試，就沒完沒了。他信佛，大抵上已百毒不侵。

誰不是步履蹣跚踽踽而行，可以快樂一世活到老。數月前，我還誤以為自己最迷茫，原來，實情是國際綜藝合家 Lost 。

那夜，你跟我說，「人人 Lost 的位都唔同，你呢個位冇 lost，便扶下人吧。」又有誰完全不迷茫，所以誰都可以替人指點迷津，你扶下我，我扶下你。你還未生產到一個新的自己之前，或者可以助人一臂之力，生產個新的他們。

否極總有泰來，你的還沒有來嗎？環顧四周，總有人的泰來了。

點 Lost 都可以，千萬不要 Lost Hope,

love,
k

(1)

Every fisherman knows the frustration and exhaustion of catching little or not even a minnow after a night long away in the sea. The longer you fish never guarantee the more you catch. Simon understood this well enough. After all, he has done night time fishing most of his life. Sometimes shit just happens. And if it's not happened through his fisherman career, at least had happened twice. Once at the lake of Gennesaret, another at Tiberias the sea.

That two mornings kept flashing back once in a while. Inexplicably overwhelming and disturbing. Both then and now. Both bright and early. Yes, both after a fruitless night of fishing...

(2)

'Hey friends, throw your net on the right side of the boat and see what happens,' someone shouted from the shore.

Simon was first inclined to ignore it. But then something made him think of his teacher who once, whilst finishing teaching on his boat, had said, 'Push out into deep water and let your nets out for a catch.'

'Doesn't that sound familiar?' Simon thought, 'I must have been thinking of him too much lately.' So instead, he did that, while started dwelling into the memories of their first encounter...

Simon still remembered it so clear as if it happened yesterday...

* * * *

'Whilst washing my empty nets, I saw a bunch of folks crowding around him beside lake Gennesaret. Soon thereafter, he got into my boat at the water's edge and asked for a ride, just a little away from the shore. With my last bit of energy, I did it. On my boat, he spoke to the crowd. Andrew as well as John and James were there too.

I wasn't quite get what he said. Even today I still don't, barely any. I was a sinful man and a fisherman then. After 3 years being around him, I still am, a fisherman catching neither fish nor people, a sinful man who denied his teacher, his dearest friend, 3 times in a row......'

* * * *

Just then the weight of the net caught Simon back from memories searching. His partners were unable to haul the net in.

“Guys, It is him!” John shouted while pulling the net full of fish, “Don't you realize?”

A huge haul of fish... Again? 3 years ago, that catch had nearly swamped us in the boat...

As soon as the scene at Gennesaret flashed right back into Simon's mind, he threw on some clothes, dove into the sea and swam onshore.

'It has to be him!' He thought.

(3)

On the shore of the sea Tiberias there was a fire laid, with fish and bread cooking on it.

'Breakfast is ready.'

No one dared asking. They knew it was him.

(4)

Sitting around the charcoal fire, they ate. After a week of discouraging news, finally came something heart and body warming. But Simon's heart was tremendously melting and troubled.

'You are not also one of this man's disciples, are you?'

'I am not.'

Not that much earlier, he had found himself standing near another charcoal fire. In a Jerusalem courtyard. With the high priest's slaves and polices.

Whilst eating the grilled fish and bread quietly, Simon went through all different moments in his head.

Signs. Confrontation. Emotions. Conversations. 3 years. Everything were playing in his mind like a slide show.

'Master, I'm ready for anything with you. I'd go to jail for you. I'd die for you!"

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times...

'When once you've turned back, strengthen your brothers.'


* * * *

'You're not going to wash my feet—ever!'

'If I don't wash you, you can't be part of what I'm doing.'


* * * *

'Lord, where are you going?'

'Where I'm going, you can't follow now, but you'll follow later.'


* * * *

'And now I'm going to tell you who you really are.

You are Peter, a rock, and on this rock I will put together my church.'


* * * *

'Go away from me, Lord, for I'm a sinful man.'

'Do not be afraid, from now on you'll be fishing for men and women.'


(5)

"Hey Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"

The moment freezed.

He drew himself back from the pool of memories, right there sitting next to him, by the sea of Tiberias.




(to be continued)



Note:
- It is a fictional piece originated from Luke 5 and John 21, using basically NRSV and The Message, plus imagination, for all conversational texts.

- Not straightly recommended but could go with Delirious's song "Majesty" while reading. Once you're done, stir it all with the music of Leonard Cohen just to get you ready for the 2nd part to come. "Avalanche" to begin with, then "Ain't no cure for love" or "Dance me to the end of love" on the side (optional), followed by finale - "Anthem".

再給將來，我在哪裡都好：

二零零九年七月四日，香港，我二十七。我花了一年半時間，在一個咄咄逼人的地方，學習跟好唔開心的自己相處。

二十七，我仍然處身在兩個世界中間，一個繼續擁抱自由經濟文明社會，另一個繼續以簡陋的社群形態分庭抗禮，我依然站在兩道門前面，依然沒有青蛙要死，世界依然沒有童話，我依然非常庸俗。明白了我人生一早就out track，無法「活得像句標語」一樣押韻。我隨便唔起，許多事都很有所謂。我接受了自己，為自己劃界，再挑戰條界。

三幾年下來，由有太多話要說，變成沒有話特別想說。再沒有好高鶩遠，也沒有妄自菲薄。回憶再美好抑或再險惡，也不敢活得太狼狽。已經不怕做決定，不怕一切再重來，再不怕缺少勇氣，只怕練得一身的不顧一切一往無前，放肆到收不回來。

我怕患得患失，傾向悲情，不善合群。朋友說，既然知道自己容易傷心，就要盡力開心了。情緒的破壞能力高過金融海嘯，我還未練成「該理智分析時理智分析，該感情用事時感情用事」，大致上還算有本事「無憂無慮的笑，肆無忌憚的哭，痛的時候懂得避開，快樂的時候懂得放縱」，算係咁了。

正所謂「天大地大，世界比你想像中朦朧」。偷別人的話都要說，「青春之後，認輸之前，我依然用力的活著。」

一切要好,
k

I can hardly breath and speak ever since the final show of our project in Beichuan High School. There's no any word better than 'overwhelming' to describe this state of mind right now.

在最後的晚會上，我代表music team 也代表我自己，向 800 位高二、高三同學分享了這個故事、這首歌:

我過去幾天的music workshop，我們分享過人生旅途中的同行者，我們講過朋友、父母。今天晚上，我想講生命師傅。

在我生命中有兩位非常重要、珍貴的老師，我稱他們為生命師傳。

第一位是 N 阿姨，她在我手足無措之時，給了我一雙手。06 年我剛到加拿大去念書，第一次一個人離家住在外地。剛好我父母在外遊時遇上交通意外，我突然間失去了爸爸，媽媽受重傷，那時候跟我剛剛認識的 N 阿姨陪我面對這個生命的危機。我記得她說過，其實她也不知道啥辦，但如果要恐懼就讓我們一起來恐懼，要怕，我們一起怕。我很感動，到最後我終於經過了這一段。現在回想起來，我很感恩，因為有她，有我在加拿大的朋友，所以回顧起來，3年前的事不單單是苦難、徬徨，而是有很多美好回憶的起點，有很多歡樂跟淚水。

回憶，原來是可以創造的。正是這個原因，把我帶到北川中學來，在你們中間。

我第二位師傅就是坐在我旁邊的 A。我非常、非常的尊敬、佩服他，他在我生命很不容易的時候，給了我一杯涼水。我敬佩他，並不是因為他給了我人生問題跟困難的答案，而是因為他的真誠。他活出了他所相信、所教導的道理。

他曾說: 「一個堅固的信仰，並不會給你一切的解決辦法，它有時候反過來給你更多問題、疑惑、反思。但是沒有關係，這是正常的，不用怕，因為我們有大家，可以一起去經歷不同的掙扎，一起去找答案。」只要在一起，甚麼都沒有關係。

在music workshop，大家都聽 A 講過他的故事，在過去 2 年，他走過人生很黑暗的日子，失去了一切，健康、朋友、事業都沒有了。那時候剛是我要從加拿大回香港的時候，我心裡一直很記掛他、他的太太還有很可愛的女兒，一直替他憂傷、擔心。正是這個原因，把我帶到北川中學，跟A，與你們在一起。

我想說的是，其實我跟 A 都沒有模範答案，沒有 model answer。我們都是平凡人，跟你們每個人一樣，可能比你們更平凡。我們有的只是一顆心，一種真誠。我們知道掙扎的痛苦，也知道喜笑的歡樂。我們只想 share as who we are，來跟你們在一起。只要在一起，就有溫暖，只要在一起，就有光明。

(music team 唱新寫的歌)
誰在冰雪裡 能給我溫暖
誰在黑暗中 能給我光明
既然不懂單獨面對和解決 就讓我們一起承擔等待
讓我把過去的回憶 藏在冰雪的懷裡 今生銘記
我們把未來的希望 掛在彩虹上 不捨不棄
誰在哭泣了 誰在微笑著 沒有關係了 我們一家人


closing of the show - sharing

大家還記得這些彩虹顏色的紙嗎？那是我們在音樂工作坊的時候，邀請你們把最深刻的感受畫出來，或者是寫出來。我們把這些穿成一條彩虹。我們music team 非常、非常感謝你們那麼願意跟我們分享你們的故事 (躹躬)

N 阿姨說過:「甜酸苦辣都是祝福」。快樂的時刻、痛苦的時刻在人生不同的階段裡不停地出現， 好像春夏秋冬一樣。但一切總會過去，未來都是要靠自己去做決定、去努力。甜跟苦都不會長久，但正如music team 的主題語: 「有好的伴侶同行，漫長的旅程都會顯得短。」

這幾天我們才相遇幾個小時，認識絕對算不上很深，但我們一起哭過、笑過，都把我們變成一家人了。我們昨天晚上，還有今天下午給你們的心聲，譜成了這首歌。就讓我們在各奔前程、各自回家之前，一起再唱講首歌，「一家人」－－

自 07 年開始，毋忘六四有兩個意義：同一天既是國殤，亦是某人生日；既是人民的痛，也是本人的痛。我也是人民，所以我痛雙份。

因為痛，所以吃甜品，又整又吃。因為痛雙份，所以我獨創甜品，又苦又辣的甜品。

毋忘六四二十年後的兩天，適逢摰友二十七。謹將本人合縱連橫而成的 Spicy Chocolate Tofu Pie，命名為 Stellar 27 Pie:

Stellar 27 Pie (Spicy Chocolate Tofu Pie - suit for vegan)

Ingrediants:
- Expresso & Hazelnut Chocolate (any chocolate that you don't want to eat, or that's cheap...)
- 1 tablespoon vegan Margarine
- 1 pack of silken Tofu
- 1 teaspoon Cinnamon
- Chili flakes (the more the spicier)
- coca powder (if you have)

for cracker crust:
- some Cookies you don't want to eat
- a few vegan Margarine

Direction:
step 1 - eat chocolate that you want to eat while you melt chocolate that you don't want to eat with margarine in a bowl (bowl in a pan with hot water). eventually those you like or you don't will all be in your stomach, so suck it up!

step 2 - meanwhile, smash cookies up in another bowl with anything works until they are a fine crumb. mix the crumb with margarine. when the mixture looks like dough, make it looks like a prepared crust in a serving container.

step 3 - by the time your crust is ready, you've almost eaten up the eatable chocolate, and it's time to blend tofu and the melted chocolate together until smooth (use food processor or your hands).

step 4 - put in cinnamon powder and stir.

step 5 - put in chili flakes and stir. chili makes it mexican and hot. but not necessary for a pie. it all depends on whether you want him more, or you want to skip step 5.

step 6 - pour the mixture into prepared crust. shake til you see thing balance.

step 7 - shed some coca powder on top of it before putting into your fridge.

step 8 - take it out, make a wish or say a prayer, before your friends sing happy birthday to you.

step 9 - have a happy 27 birthday!

If you can't think of anything, bake something, 我說的。

我沒有焗爐，有個焗得下野的平底鑊；我有齊banana peanut chocolate bread 的材料，獨欠baking soda；我沒有工返，有個人稱會光合作用的胃。人人都說天無絕人之路和船到橋頭自然直，唔焗得，不如freeze something:

I Can't Think Of Anything Pudding ( Banana peanut butter chocolate pudding without baking)

Ingrediants:
- Chocolate with above 70% coca (我的家沒有 70 %以下的)
- 2 spoone of Peanut butter
- 2 Banana (雪櫃有兩條唔吃便要甩的)
- 1 tsp butter (過了best before, 是但啦)
- orange zest
- dry cereal optional (早餐再無興趣吃的口味，尤其適合)


direction:
step 1 - put chocolate and peanut butter (let call them 'troubles') in a bowl, place the bowl in a pan with hot water; stir and watch them melt together, like the troubles on your plate.

step 2 - while the troubles are melting, do whatever you can to mash banana with whatever you can get, until well mashed.

step 3 - learn to kill time while waiting for troubles getting melted away. so if you've cereal, put them seperately into individual small bowl that you're going to serve the pudding with. let them fall where they may.

step 4 - mix the melted troubles with mashed banana together. put them into the serving small bowl.

step 5 - add orange zest on the top. bright color makes you happy.

step 6 - freeze them for 2 hours.

step 7 - eat them in 2 mintues.

給其中一個我，或誰人都好：

曾經有人跟我說:「你思想不需要比別人超前太多，超 5 年剛好，超 7 年就夠了，否則會很苦。」我記住了，以為聽明白，其實並未。結果一個不留神便跑遠了，一個背轉身，才知回家路遠。

我的一片魂稍一不慎飛得很遠之際，遇上了個知先/visionary，還來不及弄清楚 value difference，便手拖手衝著往另一片草地裡跳，可謂私奔到月球。一唱一和，vision 愈來愈清，真相也愈來愈像個心裡謎，默默藏在心底，暗許沒有閃失沒有閃失千祈要冇......到迫著要分的時候，已混得血肉模糊。我不知道中間有多少是偷回來的，多少發根在我裡面，反正細細碎碎都融在一块；vision 仍是一個，卻殊途而不同歸。最後，我一個魂跳返原來的大陸，狼狽得身首異處。

我們的時代不需要先知，只用得上趨吉避凶法戲甚麼的。心人太徨徨，visionary 未免太刺激，何況真話沒有太多人想聽。一般先知之所以迷人，實委不單止其看得見而且夠膽活生生活出來，果下浪漫。只怪我在望清 vision 的路上，適逢迷上了個知先，而他湊巧又演化成 secular。事與願違，大概是這個意思。

原來魂飛多遠都可以，value 卻留在原地飛不起，老早生了根，連樹苗都長出來，我還沒有發現。有些人的可以，我的不可，試過也衝不破，壓根兒，拿它沒辦法。結果把你弄成個怪胎，實在不好意思。

我漸漸明白，vision 這回事，看到而且信也未必要衝出來說，更不必在在行動證明。它可以無聲息舒舒服服在你軀殼之下，形同一件底衫，或舊的bra，假如它是真的，假如它是你的。

世上有好多仗，你未必場場都要打，想也一定打唔晒，因此，你要選擇。陳特老師說過，在options 面前，你不單要知道挑甚麼，你也要知道棄甚麼。vision 的底蘊有多堅，自會一目了然。千錘百鍊之後，你大抵分得出，哪些是弄假成真的，哪些是打真軍的。

人人都說 'vocation lies where your deepest gladness meets the world's greatest needs.' Gladness 同 Needs 通處府拾即是，不過只有你知道甚麼是你的 deepest，甚麼是你的 greatest。

不要再大肆抽水了。你要證明給誰看，抑或自我形象低，只有你曉得。放低一點，再放低一點，真的很有所謂嗎？

保重
劉

S,

今晚跟一個朋友說起她和她的朋友，我特別想念你。

如果香港是我的曠野，多倫多就是我的埃及。

記得出埃及記嗎? 以色列人興高采烈出埃及，望住個promised land 似近亦遠，在曠野輾轉掙扎。曠野一望無際，深不見底，偶到絕望之處，情願走回路返埃及，卻忘記了自己在那裡其實是奴隸。本來 14 天的路，他們走了 40 年。

之之，昨日凌晨，我無意看了英國的blog，哭得缺了堤。天亮之際，我忽然明白，或者，我以為他過著我最想過的活，又或者，只不過我從來沒有放開手。抓不住個人，我抓住了個影。他的 ideal，偷來變成我的，和那些我所懷念的過去，混成一個多倫多和未來，全部都是假的。

我快站不住腳了。那種前無去路，後有追兵的難受，沒有人明白。

與我摔跤的，從來是我自己的怪獸。怪獸一時 as bright as 叮噹，一時 as desperate as 泥漿怪，半人獸的我，在兩極變來變去之間，於這一個清晨，回復了我的真身。It's like a slap on my face, 近半年來叮噹那面經常現身，彷彿怕出少幾場，便會失去希望。這些信念，把我真人用冰封住了。之之，對不起，原來我很久沒有給你寫，是我很久沒有照這面鏡。你從來都是我的 reality check，以後都一樣。

多謝你。

其他的，我們再說吧。

甚念,

K

過去一年半（自2007年12月至今）是我四份一生人中最痛、最暗的時期，比 06 年喪父，有過而無不及。講都無人信，信都無人明。

歲月平白消耗，所願的幾乎全部落空，遇上的大多不算是好人，朋友漸行漸遠，我沒有群體，又把自己收起來。好幾次以為聽對了的，事實都證明是聽錯了；當作曙光初現的，結果走向比之前再黑更暗的。像脫水的魚，我在曠野荒漠典足 548 天，盡全力開朗，暗自絕望。剛回來的不祥預感證實了它自己: 我被打回原型。Ouch! 好痛。imprisonment 的感覺非常難受。

最痛是舉步為艱，手腳被綁在泥漿地，向任一個方向郁都力有不逮。

已經學會只看自己的路，不准斜視，眇人家跑得有多雀躍有多高興。但總有時候稍一不慎好唔覺意知道了別人的近況，難免酸溜溜。適逢那是邪惡的舊情人，自會鼻頭一酸，百感交集。尤其當你的舊情人正瘋狂hitchhiking 歐洲各國大小 organic commune farms、過著你最想過的活之際。Ouch! 痛得好能痴線。

我不禁要問 (Or, I can't help but wonder)，到底要煉我到幾時？我無意替以色列人祖宗說好話，不過他們走曠野那 40 年，雖然鞋沒穿，衫沒破，但天天望住舊雲過日子，舊雲郁便起程上路，舊雲停就扎營落腳，實在並不容易，我連 548 天的燥動、焦慮和不安都每每按奈不住，何況他們要按 40 年呢？大家血肉之軀，相當有共鳴。

我腳掌還沒起泡，不過淚已流乾了，到了「再沒奇蹟我會死」的境地。常言道「等候的必不至於羞愧」，我選擇相信美好，懷抱希望，只等一個會笑的明天。你說我從頭到腳都idealistic，我也幫不了你。

Today I was told that I'm 'very idealistic', the 6th time in 6 months. What hit me is the person, who made this comment, hasn't meet me in person but my resume. WOW, what an inspiring shock.

The idealistic talk happens so often to me to a point it feels almost like an accuse - you're 'too' idealistic that the society can't fit you in, that thing doesn't work that way, that I'm afraid you won't be able to work for us. Ouch... it hurts and confuses me somehow. Don't we should stick to what we believe so we won't comprmise too much along the way to a point where we lost ourselves?

They call you idealistic, when you just try to be true to yourself and preserve a pure heart. The funniest thing is I never consider myself a dreamer. I am so small that I don't even dream any dream. The way I carry on my life is only one that trying my very best to live what I believe in.

We were told to trust in others at all time & by all means, to love our enemies as ourselves, to stand by the marginalized & the oppressed, to trust in the Lord in every single way of my life, weren't we? I don't know how the heck a basic vision of life turns out being understood as having an idealistic dream. The world is just weird. Jesus really meant what he said. No wonder his life's been so lonely.

Enough rambling. oh well.

每次被人說我寫得好看，都有種近乎焦躁的難為情。

我文筆差，辭彙少，疏於動腦筋，到了梳不清體會的地步；連往日愛搬弄多愁善感的虛晃才氣，這兩三年下來，都洗刷得乾乾淨淨。

我寫過美容來賣錢，賺不夠交租，也有過寫來包裝自己、議事論是的頭年，正所謂feel good about me，實熟必經階段。也曾經當過「寫」是感受過濾，寫少一排，比10天沒有洗頭感覺更差，又好比未洗的碗在廚房堆積，望到都唔開胃。

寫和讀的關係，好比雞與雞蛋，你是哪類人就會看哪些書，然後呢，排出來的也就構成你自己。光陰似箭，隨著骨格愈來愈精奇，我愛看的也愈來愈精湛。

看過最好看的，首選關子尹老師的《教我心醉教我心碎》，那小書星閃閃的平淡、精緻封面，跟書內一頁頁關家昂首挺過的苦難，和他與年少離世的亡兒幕幕溫馨，拉出一度難以消化的張力。然後是近日有幸讀到的蘇曉康的《離魂歷劫自序》，都是筆者坦蕩蕩、直搗心肺用骨血寫出來的，讀他一句:「你不能死，即使你不想活」，坦白到見骨。巫寧坤的文革劫後餘生錄《一滴淚》，我看足 3 個月，還揭不進下一章，停在 62 頁，大鳴大放後的人心惶惶。後來知道巫寧坤這本書先以英文出版 〈A Single Tear〉，十年後，他親自再寫中文版，中、英二書均全由他一人執筆。10 年內寫自己最痛的半生人兩次，我想起都攰。

人到某一個年紀便懶得由頭說起，這些我看過最好看的，不約而同都是發了瘋一樣坦誠。再看那些浪漫到暈的情感自瀆，無關痛癢之餘，也只能當作中學生發情了。

於是，我會寫、能寫的，唯有是書信了。對著見證人剖開自己，才可以正面直視偷偷哩埋在裡面，那個卑鄙無恥的真我。

真亦假時假亦真，寫給誰的信都好，全部都是真的。

給夜話常青的良師益友：

昨天下午，彷彿是戲裡戲外、台上台下 5 ,6, 7 代人同堂，疑幻似真，濃縮於4個小時。電影裡，說了個 10 年之間兩代人走出三條路的故事；片尾的 credit ，如見證著 32 年間兩代創作人殊途而不同歸的路；座談會上，台下本土行動的行列，對比嘉賓席上「上了岸」的行列，在佔了半數是「80後」的觀眾席上，以「對話無疾而終」散場，作為 4 小時的完結。幾個時代青年知識份子的選擇和路途，頓時湧得澎湃，比得上當年上罷3075後久久未能平伏的躁動。

畢業五年，對著相差不到幾輩的同學們，我竟然欲語還休。五年前的理直氣壯不見了，既因為我依然在 spectrum 中間踩著鋼線找落腳點，更因為看見他們，便知時光去。

席上舒淇迫不得已說了一句：時代欠了你們這一代人很多，我聽得入了心肺。香港是個千言萬語說不清的時空，在外面開了眼界之後再回來，時不與我的孤苦伶仃感，顯得特別猛烈。過猶不及，在今日香港這個時空裡，難度實在太高了。我說「時代欠了我們」正中下懷，正是這個意思。（正因如此，我特別需要追尋屬於我們的香港故事，在我再無法忍受而要離開之前。）

同學們卻說，反而覺得是「我們欠了時代」。我以為 (至少我體會到)，眼界開了便收不回來。面對著今天的同學們，我猶豫有些話應不應該說之際，可能於他們而言，「說」與「不說」根本沒有分別。

難怪前輩們都說，寡言是美德。一如許鞍華、丁新豹，活生生的例子，比說甚麼都來得更有服說力。石頭他朝成翡翠，又有誰能料，殊途最終會不會同歸。在成功之前，這些戲裡戲外、台上台下的故事，是路徑上用以自警的重要路標。這個月來上的課、看的戲，正在我理想得太浪漫之際，一手沿涯勒馬。

十有五，而志于學，三十而立．．．願我那天，不會落荒而逃；願大家，四十而不惑。

kenix


年青人：一九七七

導演：嚴浩
編劇：舒琪
攝影：林亞杜
剪接：鄒長根
助導：何康喬
監製：劉芳剛
演員：高志森、黃子程、李穎、李棠、
楊志恆、黃楚英、劉天賜、談泉慶
1977 / 彩色 / D Beta / 粵語 / 49分鐘

1977 對一般年青人也許並非重要年份，對嚴浩來說則是大有意義：這是他曾參與上街示威的1967年「左派暴動」的十周年，也是他在電視行業工作的最後一年。因此，本集有如他告別電視之作，也包含着告別舊日的我，重新出發之意。影片審視幾個經歷過火紅年代的年青人，帶出知識份子在時代洪流中如何自我定位、尋找份出路的議題。一個在電視台當編劇已意興闌珊；一個昔日大搞運動如今已成為公務員；還有運動平息後轉業工人自我「下放」的知青。唯有新一代的阿森依然活躍，投身平民社區以戲劇教育群眾。全集隱含自我檢討，也是對香港青年社運的一次批評、感喟。同場放映《北斗星第三集》

這一年二月，沒有二十九日。
這一年二月，我剛滿二十七。
在肉體正式重返香港的第438天，我魂飛魄散的正身，才剛開始著陸。

人人都說二OO八過得比飛還要快，我的二OO八卻比三千二百萬年更悠長，沒有靈魂的肉身，從深淵盡頭四腳爬爬慢慢爬返上來。

那年初他們說，「希望，是用眼淚種出來的。」我聽得動了真氣，天天像開消防喉一樣，在巴士站我流眼淚;在開衡冷氣的巨大商場我流眼淚; 在新加坡咬著一啖黑胡椒蟹我都流眼淚。我的淚分泌浸死許多盒裝百年老樹。我記得，那年夏季，當我還蹲在 TD Trust 門外停車處的石階上、狼狽得淚眼模糊之際，s 坐在旁邊說:「如果我們哭的不是眼淚，是銀紙或其他，你說有多好。」

最壞的時候糟得像被打回原形，又像發了一場夢，扎醒了，發現汗濕了棉被。多倫多那兩年的生活，變成只有我一個人追看的電視連續劇，真實而遙不可及。

一年後的今天，那道虛掩的出口大門終於滲進了光，世事不算太出人意表，亦可謂哭出個未來。

於是，我二十六那漫漫長夜、淚眼糢糊的三千二百萬年，縮小成一個數字，指向一個開始。

S,

The glacier in El Calafate is vanishing, said the Agencies report on 7July. That’s my last destination in Argentina I had missed. It was one single morning, things changed 180 degree in just a couple minutes.

Remember the last phrase of my adventure in Argentine, I got stuck in Mendoza because of a little mistake, a missing passport and a stolen bag with all valuables including a camera. The accident left me with a backpack of dirty clothes. My journey detoured in Central Argentina, stopping me from getting to my dream glacier far down south.

Life is really funny. It was Iguazu Falls, the most fabulously splendid spectacular I've ever seen, that brought me to Argentina in the first place. And once I got to reach this dream destination, immediately I found another destination where could I yet to reach and soon has become my next dream - El Calafate, Perito Moreno Glacier.

Because of the thievery in Mendoza, I couldn't continues my trip to Patagonia which means I too couldn't hit the Moreno Glacier. However sad I felt, life brought me to Puente del Inca (2,740m) instead, the first camp site to reach the Aconcagua (the highest mountain outside of Asia), and it all because of the French girls and the accident in Mendoza.

And you know well enough that if I the break-up and its turmoil didn't happen in Aug, I wouldn't make my trip to Argentina.

S, 我竟然開始習慣了用英文表達自己（是真的習慣了，抑或其實是掉失了用自己的語言表達的靈敏?）來到這裡，我不可以不寫中文了。是你說的他是個幸福兒，能夠分享我一生最快樂的日子，事實是，你明明白白的了解，大概我人生二十多年來，最愉快是跟他在一塊。

Destiny，若如你和墨西哥所說，我可否把我的，翻譯如下：如果 05 年英國的大學選擇了我，我不會在多倫多出現，於是不會認識這個英國人；如果家裡沒有意外，他沒有轉課程，06 年秋天我們不會在北美再見；如果沒有睡，我們一會不經不覺走在一起；如果沒有走在一起然後同居，我們不會分手；如果那初秋沒有分手，07 年秋天我或者會跟他在某處繼續撕磨；如果，你沒有從天掉下來跟我在 toronto downtown 走了一個凌晨，我不會決定得了給自己克服恐懼、去一倘阿根庭；如果，沒有分手，沒有去阿根庭，便不會完了Iguazu Fall 的夢，也不會，發現原來世界上有像 Moreno Glacier 這樣的冰川。

在 Mendoza 月圓的一晚，我曾經很想很想跟他一起看冰川。S，花了整整兩天站在瀑布底下，我明白，現在我可以肯定的跟你說，Iguazu 是應該兩個人看的。我曾經把我和他在 Niagara Fall 前拍下的、被撕開了的合照，放在 Iguazu 的 Devil Throat 前面，扮合照。結果那張相，連同相機都給偷走了。

栽種有時，拔出所栽種的也有時。

我決定，那個冰川我絶對不會容許自己一個人看。在它溶掉進南極洋之前，如果我還未能容得下另一個他在身邊的話，你和我去看冰川吧。

k

This morning when I was on the way to work, I thought about my funeral.

I would love to have Uncle William to say a few words. He might talk about our Tak Ming karaoke time and some weird sides of me facing family and love crises. Maybe he'll compliment on my photographing skills. He won't cry as he usually unable to, which is a good thing for funeral; he will even make some punch-lines out of it. I hope he'll be bold enough to squeeze a few minutes talking about trees and ecological living. After all, my life wasn't as worthwhile as trees and green-conscious-living.

Stella has to be the next sharing person. She'll laugh. I hope she'll begin with a clever psychological test, like those she used to game with me, that my friends will earn some insights about themselves on my funeral. She knows the most fragile and courageous part of me in our days of youth. It doesn't really matter what she says, honestly, but I wish Mexican will be there by her side when she weeps right after finishing her speech. I hope my going away will not trigger her too much.

It's up to PK whether he has anything to say. He's my adorable brother whose heart is sophisticated but always pure as a child. If he wishes, let him goes before Angela.

Angela, the brightest person with endless positive energy I've ever known, is a friend I deeply treasure. She will end the session with encouraging and constructive note, with a dazzling, lovely smile.

By the time I leave this world, I wish I have a child and a husband whom I had learned to love - knowing that neither can I possess anybody nor lose anybody. It is the hardest part of life. Listen to the very nature of human body and you will understand the reason why I wish to be buried beneath a tree - let it be fertilizer, may it generates other lives.

"A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until
she's in hot water." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Pulling up my persistence, I finally have got 2500 words written in two days. This is a paper from last summer, a time when the air I breathed was fresh. I lived in a place where trees soared in front of my two huge windows and that I could see beautiful shadowy patterns dancing on my bed sheet. I spent the whole summer dreaming between eco-feminism and Luce Irigarary, between full-moon in the midnight and flowers in the alley, between him and myself. I was a drunken fairy fled from her darkness and everything were perfectly sweet. I remember the wind that blew my mind when I set in the parkette holding a burning sparklet in the dark. I remember the smell of sweat you got from fighting and the sunshine on us. I remember the beauty of the melting ice in High Park. I remember the weight of your tears and your wounds before your 25th birthday......

and now, I am caged,
because the sky is blue

it makes me cry

1:10am 2008，我的二十六，開始了一個小時。

二十五的同一晚，正好是大年初一，我還記得是禮拜天，跟我很喜歡的人們渡了大半天，吃過蛋糕後，深夜零下十幾度跟剛剛從washington d.c 趕回來的他在Cabbage town的jewish neighborhood逛雪地。那一晚天空不是紅色的，紫黑，在little zoo 那邊有很多很多星。很來我們回家睡，沒多久便去Quebec。

二十四的同一晚，我在Zurich，pizza變成了蛋糕，坐在媽媽的病床邊吃我一包一包搬上斜坡帶去醫院的生日午餐，3個人的生日會，在一間很大很大的私家病房。我記得媽媽憂憂地說:「搞到你要咁樣過生日...」那個午夜Zurich的old town如常叫人安心，跟醫院認識的德國仔吃了頓已忘記了的飯後，沿著城市中心的河邊走路返hostel，吃balieys 雪糕。本來最應該忐忑的晚上，反而在記憶裡，成為最自由的。

二十三的同一晚，我偷偷放工後溜到某處，聽了一個關於自己的預言禱告。旺角是個吃人的地方，我接了一通電話，約定了翌日晚上去喝紅酒。

二十二的同一晚，大三，在關生的紅酒聚吃過我親愛的伙伴們給我買來的蛋糕，我跟爸媽吃自助餐去。原來那個在尖沙咀吃的buffet，成為我一生最後一次跟爸爸過的生日。我希望，對已經走了的他來說，我不會永遠停在二十二。

二十一的同一晚，我決定一個人重遊孩提時長大的荔景屋村，士多、茶餐廳、麭包舖跟5、6歲時沒有分別，卻再找不到那叫我捉星仔的阿伯，和他買的雪條。我慶幸那一年我回去了，看荔景最後一眼。深夜在大圍我沒有喝得很醉，跟他們在一起，醉不醉都沒有所謂。由大圍走路返大學的那段路，那一年不記得走了多少遍。

二十的同一晚，沙田，我第一次跟一大一班同學仔，吃飯慶祝收禮貌。那年的生日過了幾乎一整個星期，拍短片的、新同學的、睇show的、報社的，我真心地以為，我的人生終於開始了。

十九，有沒有發生過都一片空日

十八的同一晚，我很晚很晚才回家，媽媽很早在電話說:「早一點回家，我們買了雪糕蛋糕。」12時許，我踏進家門，他們都累了。我們吃蛋糕，慶祝。爸媽再三語調溫和的問，你有沒有甚麼要跟我們說。我說沒有。堅持沒有。後來他們才說，班主任下午緊急召了媽媽到校學，核對了我過去所有家長信，我被揭穿了，記大過記到幾乎就要趕出校。爸媽心平氣和，一句罵的都沒有，只叫我自己好好想辦法，自己處理。

十七...
十六...
.....
1:51am 2008 我的二十六，開始了兩個小時。
卻彷彿都走遠了，很遠。

Dec-Jan: "they are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water"

Feb-Mar: "Though the fig tree does not blossom, and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olives fails and the fields yield no food......"

當我於鼠年第一個破曉再次失眠之際，Chad 的首都 N'Djamena 160 人死少至1000 人傷，New Orleans 的人剛剛慶祝完 MARDI GRAS，Hilary 仍然以八票領先 Obama。

胡錦濤一句: "No disaster could vanquish the great Chinese people"，我看得眼瞪瞪，不敢想像幾百萬個家庭如何於風雪中渡這個 winter crops 和家園被毀、一家人不能團年的年初一。兩年沒有在香港過新年，我應該慶幸能夠待在家，尤其當幾百萬民工無法回家過年的時候。情非得已，情感上實在沾不上邊半分喜慶，跟電話筒另一邊的紐約朋友，試著為彼此沖喜。

在另一個傳統，今天是 Ash Wednesday，適逢重疊著我們的初一。Ash Wednesday 標誌著 Season of Lent 的第一天，由每年 Easter 前 40 天開始算起。40 是個關於荒野的數字，從埃及解放出來的以色列人在那裡兜轉了 40 年，拿撒勒人耶穌也待上 40 天。於是 Lent 成為了自我提醒的季節，一個缺欠、反身自省、預備自己、知足、記念苦難、對過去未敢忘記的季節。參與 Ash Wednesday service 的人，額角會被抹上一劃灰，象徵了往後 40 天，進入 Lent。 餘下的 40 天，有些人會局部禁食，或者 giving up something that matters 。

枱頭放著兩本書的書名，合起來正好為我的這個年初一點題，也為我的 Season of Lent 剪綵 --
'Hope in Troubled Times: A New Vision for Confronting Global Crises', 'Radical Gratitude'。

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all prayers and concern when I was down in Argentina. Sorry to make you worry. I am so glad and thankful to see some of us again last night! Especially after I've been through some turbulance and almost lose the chance to come back, I realize how much grace that we have as a group, meeting and sharing lives and food with each other every week. These are all grace. The little adventure of losing passport reminds me how important to have a thankful heart. Whenever and wherever bad thing happen, there would always be something I could feel thankful for.

I remember that morning I got back to Buenos Aires from Mendoza (where my bag got stolen). I got off a 13 hours bus-ride and started walking toward a hostel in the city centre. My thoughts revolved around things in past couple years: I have lost my father and almost my mum who were travelling in Egypt, then I have lost my boyfriend who slept around with bellydancers in a 'medieval world', and now I lost passport and all photo ID when I am alone in Argentina, What else could be worse? (I laughed about myself while I didn't realize I was self-pitying at that moment) .......

at that moment, I got bird shit on my head and all over my backpack!!!

Two Argentines wanted to help me but I refused. I didn't trust them as I thought my bag was stolen because of trusting people without cautiousness. So I ran to St Martin Square across the street and tried to clean myself up. (More self-pity and grumbles.) Those shit was so stinky!!! And I didn't have water at hand. A couple passed by, my tears started running down my face....

Then I walked to the main street hoping to find a washroom in restaurants or cafes. Nothing was opened in that bright and early morning. (Even more grumbles) "Why don't you give me a f*cking washroom!? I just want clean water!!!!" I kept walking along the street with my grumpy mood, then I saw an old guy sleeping at the entrance of a restaurant... and then a young lady with 2 kids in their dirty clothes...then another guy can't help but talking to himself like crazy.....

That was an important "stroll"... It feels like a voice in my head, saying: Why are you complaining? You have bird shit on you probably for an hour or so. You can't find a washroom to clean up at the moment, but you still have a place to lay your head and have ashower when you get to the hostel. Look at these people, who will let them in? who will let them use the washroom to take a shower? Who will let them to have a private space to cry and face their own emotions? Look at you, you've lost passport, camera, but you still have a big backpack of (dirty) clothes and CAD$400. You community and friends in Toronto and HK are ready to help you out with whatever you need. Look at these people, what else do they have except fellow homeless folks?

Then I was speechless.

There're always more than enough to thank you for but I always forget. Perhaps because I always have more than enough, I always forget about them. This last week in Argentina, although I can only afford one meal a day, need to run around embassies and work with a very tight budget (no money to pay airport departure tax...so embarrassing!), I had a wonderful time there. Wherever bad thing happen, there's always good people on the road to be around me. My parents' accident... the weeks I ran away from my ex-boyfriend and prepare to confront him with his betrayal... and my little adventure in Argentina... It's been great and important these 2 years in Toronto. Looking back to the journey, I am so thankful for what I've gained.

Look forward to see you all again,
kenix

陳之之,

今天中午我剛好在想給你發個電郵，作為再寫字的開始，晚上回來，就收到你的電郵了。
回來剛好一星期的今天，香港很熱，感覺就似多倫多的夏夜，潮濕微涼。我比自己想像中過得好。落機後幾乎一直都沒停過，見需要再見面的，掉不需要保留的，跑來跑去，還未適應時差。回來後第一天就到律師樓開了3個半小時會，第三天已經把自己的房間接近三份二的舊物和傢俱拋棄，幾天來見過曾經很親近的舊朋友，也見過新近相識的陌生人，沒有一刻停過下來。多倫多的生活和一切在一星期之內變得好遙遠，終於有少少明白隔著塊厚玻璃的過去是怎麼一回事。又一個新開始，這一次我比過去任何一次都好，有史無前例的忍耐和決心，方向和勇氣都比從前成熟。我不是誇口，但我感到自己真的長大了一點點，帶著過去兩年的成果和離開多倫多時的一切祝福，開始work out 一個我期盼的alternative。離開多倫多前那幾天沒有停過，甚麼都趕因而也沒時間傷心。笑著上機，卻在飛機上哭了兩包紙巾，這兩年來每一個情境每一種溫度每個認識的人都如碎片一次來飛來飛去，人大了，這種千絲萬縷的感觸，還是默默放在心裡比較好。

到最後我狠下心沒有跟英國說再見，爛了尾的故事，唯願如william所說，不過是故事的第8集，第9集已經開始了，任何一刻都可以是第9集開頭的第一幕。

之之，我明白你說的欲語還休和千言萬語，我卻真的很放心，由一開始我們已經步伐不同卻又很相同，這是我們最有趣的地方。我也曾經很擔心有一天我們會在路口走失了彼此，但多倫多那掉下來給我們的兩個星期，使我有信心和預感，無論如何，我們總會連在一處的。

要展開人生的新一頁了。珈琲時光是一世的事，一切再從來亦同一道理。

還是那一句，想念你。

我看了我們去年的書信，也是時候，再寫了。

一切要好,
劉恩恩

1) A forgotten story about the tree of life

In The Fairy Tales, the tree of life stands in the midst of the garden of Eden. Those story tellers used to tell us that because of our early boy and girl who had eaten the fruit from another tree, human are drove out from the garden, and are no longer welcomed to the way to the tree of life. It seems like only "good boys" and "good girls" will be given the fruits from the tree of life. It sucks. Especially because it gives raise to numerous debates and definitions about what is good and not good (or not good enough, etc...) There comes we have some philosophers and theologians out there in the history, struggling with this very issue just like every other story tellers and listeners do. But there is a facet of the tree of life story which has been hidden, and awaiting to be told. Those story tellers have forgotten one important thing, that is, although the tree of life springs forth life, it is a tree after all. It is a tree, it grows and it dies. It might lives very long (says couple million years?), but it still dies one day. If a tree that lives constantly forever, we cannot consider it a tree. It doesn't make sense to us. It dies, and death gives way to new life. With this continuity we understand the tree of life that leads to eternity. Right? This tree of life, as vulnerable as everytree else, but also as potential as everytree else. It wouldn't be able to alive without soil; it wouldn't be able to grow without living water; and most importantly, it wouldn't be able to even exist without dying first. That's the vital mistake that most of the story tellers had made. The Nazareth guy once gently said, "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." How can they/we forget about this? To live, we must die first. The richness of the tree of life, as of in everytree else, is all in an tiny little seed. Think about mustard seed, although it is the smallest of all the seeds on earth, when it is sown it grows up and becomes a tree/shrubs, and the birds of the air made nests in its branches. (Luke 13:19)

My dear reader, don't you remember this is the story told by the Nazareth guy who very into stories and parables telling, and partying with the marginalized? He uses it to imagine the kingdom of god. Seed and kingdom. Weird. To live, we must die first; to reborn, we will have to die again first. Is it what the kingdom of god all about? To die so as to live; to die again and then reborn. In another occasion Mr. Nazareth made another similar story relating seed and kingdom. He implies that the gospel of the kingdom of god is like a sower went out to sow. Only those seeds fell into good soil brought forth grain. If Jesus really meant what he said, it seems like the kingdom of god is all about this living journey of die and (re)birth. We are not suppose to eat the fruits from the tree of life, but we are all meant to be one of those tree of life. To enter the kingdom of god is to become a tree of life. A tree of becoming die and reborn, constantly. If that is the case, the technical term "resurrection" seems to be making a lot more sense to me. The kingdom of god is the very process where we practise resurrection. Jesus who had been raised from his own very death, has proclaims himself the true vine. Whoever wants to "enter" the kingdom of god through him is to become a true vine as he is. We are all call to be this vine tree, practising resurrection. Don't you remember, Jesus once said whoever believes in him will also do the works that he does, and in fact, will do greater works than he does? Maybe, through struggling on the road to die and re(born), we will become an older vine tree. No wonder Paul said something like what he sow he does not sow the body that is to be, but a bare seed, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain. Because body is vulnerable and may get hurts by ourselves, but seed is where everything begin/end and rebegin.

But, what is a tree of life? what does it different from other trees? listen, there seem to be some clues in the old proverbs: "a gentle tongue is a tree of life.", "the fruit of the righteous is a tree of life...", "Happy are those who find wisdom and those who get understanding...She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her.." So, gentleness and wisdom gives the very life to a tree of life that different from other trees. The wisdom of gentleness is always associates with living water, or say, fountain. In the last book of the bible, there's a beautiful image of the tree of life. "On either side of the river is the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, producing its fruit each month; and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations(22:2)"... a tree of life cannot flourish without living water. There comes we go to the 2nd story--another story of the fountain.


a) The unbearable lightness of death

In life, we encounter various deaths through others and ourselves. We witness the death of others who is closed to our hearts; who is famous in publicity; who is murdered by violence and injustice; who die for one's beliefs; who die peacefully; who die in suffering; who die with regret. The death of others is unbearable to those of us who witness it. It might be even more unbearable for those of us who are witnesses than for those who are facing their own deaths. Witnessing others' death is unbearable, heavy, full of memories and remembering. There were stories about how the dying one turns out to be the one who blesses and comforts others around the bed with courage and hope. It seems that death for those dying one is lighter than for those witnessing death. This is one of the tricky things in life. Although facing one's own death is not as easy as we could imagine. Heidegger once said death is the most determined possibility of impossibilities. Everyone has to face this very possibility of the end of all possibilities in one's life. Death limits life, but also defines life. Our beings is defined by both life and death. Without life, we don't know how to understand death, and vice verse. Here I'm talking about physical death.

But speaking of one's own death, it seems to me that one does not only die once but many times. We face various deaths in our own life. Let says, a passion to someone or a desire dies. Or, an habit dies, a favourite hobby dies. A friendship or relationship die, wounds became scars; the scares grow until they die and became part of you; a stage of life no longer rings true, it dies; the old you has expired, it dies...etc. Some of us very used to these various deaths of our own. These death seems to be usual and normal. People say this is the fact of life and personal growth, we get used to it. It seems that these deaths have lost their weights and have become lighter and lighter. Let it die, and we move on. This is the lightness of deaths.

However, at some moments, some of us can sense that this lightness of deaths is unbearable. Because of memories and remembering. Memories arise like ghost, like spirit, remind us that those deaths were still there, along the road we had passed through. Very truly, memories tell you that you have left some deaths of yours behind, without truly facing them. Those deaths, because of memories, have became ghosts and shades, striving to exist, hindering you at some points of your life, as if they won't let you go, until you release them and set them free. They make the lightness of deaths unbearable. Memories put weight in it. We can't bear it. But how can we let them go and set them free? What can we do with those deaths of our own? Face them again and again recurrently? This kind of eternal recurrence seems to be one of the most unbearable things in our beings/lives.

My cleverest readers might notice that I've just said "one of the most unbearable thing", which seems to you that there is still something else out there which is as unbearable as this eternal recurrence. If this is what you're thinking, then yes, you're right, my clever reader. There is one type of the deaths of our own that makes it the most unbearable - the death of our own which result from we wronged against ourselves, that is, I did something that lead to my own death. Again, this death, because of memories, have became ghost, the most stubborn one among other ghosts, arise again and again, bugs you to set it free. You can't set it free until you set yourself free. We might find ourselves have become a slave of this ghost. We are enslaved by this death and its ghost. We are enslaved by ourselves, because we once sinned against ourselves. Perhaps this is what Paul tried to warn his beloved friends: "Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself." I do not know what does he meant by sin, but certainty there is something that we do against ourselves/our body that will lead us to our death. This is the kind of death that recurs and recurs, along with its stubborn ghost, trapped us in its shadow, the shadow that caused by ourselves. They arise again and again, all the way on your own journey. This is the most unbearable type of eternal recurrence.

The whole thing is so surreal. I still can't help but doubt that it did happen. So close.
I'm glad that I do have wonderfully great people around, whenever and whatever damage happened.
S, A, Prof. M, and my dear philosphers and sisters at home.
It's always graceful to find healing and comfort in those people who do love you, even tho they can't be around physicaly. I know you guys and gals do love me a lot, being so honest and supportive to me whenever things happen. I know I always am welcome to go home and you all will always be there.

Everything start all over again.
The rest of Aug is gonna be tough.
I'll be strong.
I'll learn what I have to.
I'll not let those people who love me down.
I love you all.

前兩晚沒有去Joseph 的short film screening，結果在cloak and bagger (意在其on tap raspberry wheat beer!) 坐上一晚，想把這幾年寫成個故事。拿起筆，不到15分鐘，就算數了。有太多重要的人可愛和可怕的事在這幾年間走來走去去，又那容我隨心幾句就概括得了。

零七盛暑，回歸十年尚未夠一個月，我二十五，在多倫多downtown，閱讀、寫文、煮食、喝酒、懷念父親、記念媽媽。跟一個長髮英國人嘗試在一起。母親開始獨居，同時開始學解夢、電腦、英語、普通話之類。契哥哥一家剛到新洲定居，契姪女2歲半，另一個契姪女快將出生。有朋友結婚在即；有朋友忙於辦離婚。鄧柏健剛搬好家後，到楊德立預備搬，適逢何耀信搬自己出來重投學術兩個月；三人齊齊寫最後的碩士論文，感情生活愉快。陳之來看我後，下月到New York念碩士，兩年內都不會再見面。麗麗在紅磡加班，枝枝從德國回來，又繼續在馬料水加班。譚凱不知所縱。聽說鄭公子9月回港，未知會留在英國還是回港發展，倒終定放棄學術。Angela籌備年底歐遊，探望在愛爾蘭的stephen。凱琪天天不願返工，偶爾掛念在美國4年唔洗返工的日子。英華失去聯絡。鄭鈞亦失去聯絡。樊懷德沒有抑鬱，天天上班和放狗。馬教授將來多倫多探親，聽說會順道吃飯一聚。掛念關子尹教授，祝願他的新書成慰藉更多失去親人的心靈。日本妹去完古巴後，應該回到大板老家。鬼妹在New York 日日sex and the city，印度舊男友再沒聯絡，近日忙於在Brooklyn找新居。瓚暑假上暑期班，拍拖等開學。kitty黃努力向前。William和他的狗和馬「嬲」糾纏。想念Alfred一家。我自己正在找房子和平機票，秋天望能到古巴和瓜地馬拉，幫忙當地豐收割；待陳之走後，將到Brian的農場camping一星期。

That's pretty much everything。

又有哪一件事，不是見步行步，方能走到最後的呢? 基本上連自己同自己的關係，都不能不見步行步。

幾天下來都下雨天，午後總要喝著白酒，方能勉強閱讀，寫作進度十分慢。“There is no woman God, no female trinity: mother, daughter, spirit. This paralyzes the infinite of becoming a woman since she is fixed in the role of mother through whom the son of God is made flesh. The most influential representation of God in our culture over the last two thousand years has been a male trinitary God and a virgin mother: a mother of the son of God whose alliance with the father is given little consideration…The virgin’s relationship with the Father always remains in the shadow.” (Luce Irigaray, Sexes and Genealogies, 62) Luce Irigaray 的christology，不是沒有人寫過，落到我手寫dvine women becoming，老是寸步難移。難就難在，每讀Irigaray，總有啓發，尤其在處理自身感情瓜葛，猶如讀到relationship counciling，實在太搞笑。我老是說，於本人，情感最大啓蒙，以情慾小說 Eleven Minutes 為首，Irigaray 為次。這個 French feminist 大阿姐，真係唔野少，一個sexual difference，搞出甘大堆insight 出來。之所謂念哲學的，還不過是要令自己be a better person。Farmers' market 後那場風波，擾攘了大半天，多得楊公子傳來youtube陳百強，和鄧的蘭花照，我最後花一整個下午讀Irigaray，結果我們又回到最初的起點。 見步行步，可謂除此以外，別無拯救。